Worst Songs of 2009 (in CCScorn’s Humble Opinion)

Music is all relative and one man’s trash is another person’s treasure. It’s so funny when others look at my iPod and make all kinds of comments: “Wow, what an eclectic group of songs you have there!,” “Who are the Bee Gees?” “Why don’t you have any Hoobastank?” My responses go something like, “Thank you,” “Oh my God, I feel so old!” and “Why WOULD I have Hoobastank?” Truth is, even though I sometimes mock other people’s taste in music, that’s really what music is all about. There’s something for everyone, and you never know where another person’s tastes lie, until you’ve walked a mile in their  . . .  iPod.

I am not going to pretend that I know enough about the music scene in 2009 to have actually chosen what were the absolutely worst songs of the past year. However, there were several songs that received regular radio play in 2009 that really made my skin crawl. In some cases, I don’t hate the artist, just the song. In other cases, I hate everything about the song and the artist. And the DJ that played it!

My husband and I do not share the same taste in music, but I almost always enjoy his creative critiques of any song we hear that rubs him the wrong way. For instance, one song may sound to him like, “diarrhea slowly running down a brick wall,” or “a sick turkey being run through a meat grinder.” Therefore, I’m going to supply a little creative critique of my own for each of these songs, as well.

1. Fireflies – Owl City

The problem with this song is that hearing it actually makes me feel physically ill. From the bouncy, little synthesizer sounds at the beginning, to the lead singer’s vocally-enhanced, over-anunciated voice – the whole song is just ridiculous. Fireflies are dancing and leaving teardrops everywhere, and having a sock hop . . . I could understand maybe if this was on some children’s CD, but it’s a very popular Top 40 song. I also just read that this song is supposed to be a Christian song meant to symbolize Jesus. I don’t get that, and if I were Jesus, I’d be very offended.

To me, this song sounds like a syphilitic bumblebee caught in a megaphone being flushed down a Port-o-Potty.

You can hear this amazing song here:

2. The Climb – Miley Cyrus

This is not the worst song I’ve ever heard. And I suppose it is very moving to some people. But – I’m not one of them. I happen to hate “motivational” songs because they have been done a million times over, and they are, I suppose, trying to dictate to us how we should feel. (Granted, I do listen to “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World at least twice when I work out, but please allow me to be a little bit hypocritical here!) “The Climb” just gets on my nerves because Miley is very young (how many actual “climbs” has she made?) And her voice just grates on me. Hubby and I were  at an IHOP around the holidays, and their radio was really loud, and this song was on. Our server came over and said, “Hmm..the music’s a little loud, huh?”  I said, “Yes, it is,” and she said, “But boy what a great song to play really loud!” Ugh . . .

To me, this song sounds like a moose sucking helium while falling down a hill into a bucket of 2 year-old cat litter.

You can enjoy this song, and see the SUPER video here (love those CGI horses late in the video!):


3. I Told You So – Carrie Underwood (w/Randy Travis)

I used to love Randy Travis. I wore out my cassette tape with this song on it many, many years ago. It was a good song, honest and heartfelt from a man with a deep, strong voice, who you felt had really experienced the heartbreak he was singing about in the song. Then, I heard this remake of the song by Carrie Underwood, and the song has completely obliterated any happy moments of reminiscing about the original. I’ve never been a Carrie Underwood fan, so maybe I’m just not open-minded, but when it’s on, this song makes me feel like any piece of glass around me  is going to shatter to pieces. Can I hit the high notes Carrie hits here? No. Should she be hitting those high notes? No. It’s very disturbing, and just sounds like a showcase for “look at what I can do with my voice,” rather than a heartfelt song about love and pain.

To me, this song sounds like a castrated baboon rolling in a tub of hot coals and cacti.

Here, you can hear Carrie sing about her heartbreak, and check out her funky little Minnie Mouse outfit. Be sure to put away all of your breakables and cover your dog’s ears around the 1:05 point:

4. Halo – Beyoncé

I don’t dislike Beyoncé at all – she is a very beautiful, talented woman who serves as a good model of a strong, independent woman for the younger crowd. However, I’m not really a fan of her music. There have been a few songs I’ve liked, but for the most part, I turn the radio dial whenever she is on. I think that “Halo” sounds like a cross between the “Look at me, I can hit high notes”-sound of Carrie Underwood and Whitney Houston with the charming sound of “The Price is Right” yodeler from the old mountain-climbing game.

This sounds like a mountain goat with it’s tongue stuck to an icy bucket of earthworms, bouncing on a trampoline.

You can hear Heidi . . . I mean, Beyoncé  here:

5. Anything from the cast of “Glee”

I am one of the few that is not a fan of “Glee.” Of course, I only saw it once, so I might change my mind if I watched it again. I just did not enjoy it the time that I watched. I do like show tunes in some cases (Love “Mama Mia”/Hate “The Music Man”), but this is just over the top for me. A group of adults, pretending to be kids, doing cheesy “Kids, Incorporated” versions of hit songs. It’s just not on my list of favorite things.

This sounds like a group of mentally-unstable chipmunks fighting three giant rats in the middle of a a bowl of molded cheese and vomit.

You can hear the cast sing “Gold Digger” here, complete with expletives or questionable words left out of the song:

6. Bedrock – Young Money

This song is not terrible. It’s pretty catchy and I love campy songs like this in most cases, but this one is full of really bad rhymes mixed with all sorts of strangeness. It’s just not my cup of tea, and I don’t want the visual of calling someone “Mr. Flintstone” at the height of a passionate encounter.

This sounds like a stuttering weasel trying to eat Monopoly houses through chicken wire.

You can see Young Money’s masterpiece here:

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